Hard days

So summer has been a bit of a challenge so far. I wish it was easy, I wish I were the easy type, but I'm not and surprise, neither is the boy.
Oh well. So we had another hard day. Tomorrow will be better and we will go forward.
I think it's because I feel a disconnect and I'm sure he feels it too. Lately, I feel like I'm my own person and that I want to be alone. I should have titled today's post "I want to be alone"!
So today's take away for me is, patience for him, patience for myself. I have to ingratiate myself to him more than I think and he more to me. We are both a bit prickly and very sensitive.
It's my bedtime now so I'll pray on being a better person, being a better mother and waiting on a new day.

I'm afraid. Inspired by Janice

I'm much heavier/fatter than I think and it's overwhelming.My son is growing older faster than I want or can handle.He needs a calmer more patient, polite mother than I am. I'm crass.I'm still afraid of money, how to earn it, ask for it, make it, spend it, save it. The whole thing just scares the bejesus out of me.I can't seem to get my paintings to have that "finished" quality to them.I need to finish a formal education in order to feel better about myself.I hate working with my husband everyday because it bores me and then I don't want to talk to him about anything later.I'm not as nice as I should be to people. I'm scared about health care and insurance.I'm scared and sad about how people are selfish and rude and don't consider other people like they used to. Everyone is out for themselves and it's just getting worse.I don't want my son to be lazy and not live up to his potential.I'm not living up to my potential.I need a nap.Naps are great.Please and thank you spirits.Love,Rachael

Things...lots of things.

So one of the craziest things about being a parent, is watching parts of you unfold in your child. Maybe these things are wonderful and maybe these things are not so great. I mentioned last time that I took an anger management class and although I learned quite a bit, I've found it hard to "maintain" the lesson. I need to practice. A lot. My son is so much like me it's scary. I prayed when he was nursing that he wouldn't absorb any of my bullshit. Well, among other things like crack or even a little wine, babies or at least, my baby, absorbed my bullshit. He's got a real gift for picking up my negativity and running with it. When I say bullshit, I mean over spending, mindless, unproductive behavior and a serious case of the gimmies. It's the "things" that I love. It's almost like an addiction for me. I need to see what's out there and I try to see it from more than one perspective. Well, my boy likes things too, lots of things and it's hard for me. I don't like what I see and so I need to change it. I need to change too and I hope that I am. But, I need to change what happens with him so that he is better. I need him to be better than the things. The things have to be last and right now they're first. Things to the wayside. That's my summer motto. Let's see if it pans out.

The Guesthouse

As a recent graduate of a an anger management class, I was lucky enough to come across a wonderful poem called the guesthouse. It's a poem by Rumi which, of course, gives it more cache than anything I can think of. Anger management was rough, quite a bit self reflection and it still continues. The Guesthouse just came at the right time and so I'm going to share it.





The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

 
~ Rumi ~
 
 

Obsessed with Pintrest

Ok, so maybe this is old news for some of y'all but I'm just getting the word. Pinterest is a place where you can "pin" stuff, images on virtual pin boards. This is a dream come true for me be because I spend most of my money on European design magazines and then take them apart and make inspiration piles.
So, cut loose and pin away. Nobody cares if you repin from their board and some peoples boards are worth following.

Love and pins,
Rachael

The 2nd place winner is just the 1st loser

Yup, I won 2nd place in a local painting event! The rules were that you had to start the painting after 9am and turn it in by 4pm

A Total Dude!

"There are 104 days of summer vacation and school comes along just to end them....."! Man, I can't count how many times I have heard that little ditty this summer! It will finally be nice to have a Phineas and Ferb day off!
Meanwhile, today, the boy who made me a mom, turns 7 and if that isn't enough of a milestone, started 2nd grade! I'm plotzing, kvelling and being generally sentimental. I mean, this is big news people! He's a straight up dude! He's not a little guy anymore, nor does he have any baby fat or anything resembling baby anything. Whahhhhh! I'm a little sad. Is it supposed to go this fast? Am I mourning MY mortality or am I sad that I no longer have a baby to take care of?
These are all big questions along with why does anyone watch Big Brother. But, I digress. Focus back to me. I don't want to rob him of his glory or of his day, but I'm thinking, I might need a hug or at the very least, a frosty, adult beverage.
So, here goes, (with phantom drink in hand) raise your glasses to the most fascinating kid on the planet, the boy who made me a mom, a total dude, Happy Birthday Hay, keep doing what you're doing, 'cause you're doing a great job!